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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
~Dutchess~'s LiveJournal:
| Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007 | |
| 6:59 pm | Ugh. I feel like so much crap today... I guess it's the perpetual build up of being alone again... I dunno, this is just going to be on jumbled up and random entry. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and of course I have no plans... I actually OPTED to work instead of finding something fun to do... which in all reality, even if i did find something "fun" to do... i probably wouldn't have fun... i guess me and kerri will have fun working... because hey, at least i'm making money ya know? I'm so confused by a certain person... but it doesn't matter i guess, why should i bother trying to get attached to someone again now?... 3 months before I take off again... and he probably doesn't even like me anyways... fuck guys... seriously. I'm so tired of games... whatever happened to people just hanging out and being friends?? It's like every male i come in contact with is just looking for sex or nothing at all... i'm a cool person, why can't i just find cool people that want to hang out with me?... and NOT talk about sex... i'm so OVER it lol... seriously! I miss my friends... i miss just being able to go to the lamp post and get wings and cheap beers, or going over to diane's house on a whim cuz i'm bored... there is nowhere for me to go here... trust me, i've tried almost everything... i know i can go to Kristina's house... but even then i feel like a bother... blah :( I especially miss being able to call Ben and having a buddy to go road tripping wherever and whenever... now I just go everywhere alone.. and it sucks, big time... I mean, i have "fun" and all... about as much fun as one person can possibly generate on their own without going psychotic. I miss my mom, my sister, and my grandparents too... I should have never gone home in may... now i'm even just more homesick... i almost just want to cancel my cross country road trip back and just fly home when i'm done with this shit. I know i am coming off like I hate Alaska and all.. but i don't really, i just hate the fact that i'm so alone... almost all of the time... i actually really love it here... the scenery is great... |
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| Wednesday, June 27th, 2007 | |
| 10:51 am | A little of this and that Ever since the solstice has sprung upon the great state of Alaska I've been in insomnia HELL. It is getting really hard to sleep at night with the sun up... mainly because I just want to stay up and do stuff... nothing really in particular, i just don't feel tired... at all... even at 3 in the morning... this is agonizing to no extent lol Current Mood:  sleepy |
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| Monday, June 18th, 2007 | |
| 11:38 pm | Dairy Queen & Frozen Pizzas So, i must admit... i've never seen anything like I saw today... I was on my way home from the mall this afternoon... in search of something mildly healthy (basically anything i can't buy out of a window) grub to fulfill my growling belly... I thought that it would be intersting to check out the "new" Dairy Queen on tudor.... (that's a road in anchorage for all you foreigners... and yes, i know it's not remotely healthy!)) Now, granted... it IS a new establishment, and it WAS the grand opening... but why in gods name would there be the need to have a drive thru wrap the entire way around the home depot parking lot... i shit you not people... there was a MINIMUM of 50 cars in queue in that damn building... this doesn't even count the line stretching outside into the parking lot. Its just fucking ice cream people. Fuck this shit, I went to Carr's... in high hopes of getting some chinese food... but alas, they were shut down for the evening... wanna know why?... cuz god hates me! I walked outta there with a brand new frozen pepperoni pizza, a 4 pack of oreo ice cream cones (they were on sale!!!) a 2 pack of sponges and the new "In Touch Weekly" All is good in the world... Fuck Dairy Queen... i got dinner AND dessert for less than 7 dollars... I can safely say that I have conquered the world today... Oh, and a new haircut to boot... woop! |
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 | |
| 7:53 am | My love. So, i've decided that georgraphy is a huge passion of mine... I am the type of person who can just read maps for fun... and just take off in the middle of the day just to experience something new, or a cool hidden place. Currently I'm in Alaska, but i feel like the next 5 or so years of my life are going to be spent doing something more meaningful... I need to find out who I am, and in order to do that, I need to circumnavigate the globe until there is nothing left for me to find... |
| 1 Secret MessageSecret Messages | Tell me | |
| Thursday, August 18th, 2005 | |
| 6:54 pm | 2 in one day. Work used to be so different, I remember when i first started working for Airborne Express everything used to be fun, and i loved coming in everyday... maybe just because it was new to me, and I was jumping into a "real" job, something i've never experienced before... who knows. I guess i've just been sitting here in this office pondering what the hell i'm doing here, and why I didn't stick to my guns with school. Thats another thing, I finally know what i officially want to do, there is a program at Central Penn College in the criminal justice dept. called "Financial Crimes"... and it seems soooo frikken interesting, I guess i finally found my calling, maybe. I'm just super intimidated to go back to school again because I know I can't write, I think it could be beneficial to me to relearn how to be a good writer, and speaker... sometimes I just talk and things just fall out of my mouth, and i'm like "what the fuck did i just say"... and I feel like a fucking moron. I dunno, smart people intimidate me, even though I know i'm smart, i have shitty self esteem. Oh yeah, and I asked that guy to come over and hang out with me tonight... so we'll see how that goes, I feel like a douche talking to him sometimes to, but that's nothing unusual, i'll get over that... it's the getting to know you jitters haha. I wish julie's radio worked in this office, I can hear the guys rocking out to papa roach out on the dock and i just wanna jam out... as i was writing that i realized that her Cd player worked, so now i AM jamming out, to some Bohemian Rhapsody, cuz i'm cool :) Curtis just walked by, and i was telling him how i was writing about learning how to write... which is kinda funny, holy pun batman. He's cool, we'll have fun hanging out, right? I need to stop questioning myself to, and learn to just be sure of what the fuck i'm doing, damnit. I just need something different for a change, no more losers for Renee, I want a smart guy... with intellect, and curiosity, and goals, and RESPONSIBILITY. I dunno, i really just felt like rambling a little bit about how much this place (work) has changed, but I totally got off topic, i suppose there is really only SO much you can talk about work before you just get disgusted with the damn place. I just miss the late nights of talking to Paul at the end of the belt and just having fun with all the people on the dock, and the operations guys, whom i've gone out drinking with, so go figure. Alot has changed in the last 3 years, since I started this job, but I feel like I havn't, and i'm stuck here, for now... until I can find someone to pay my bills so I can go to school i'm pretty screwed. Fuck my parents for not ever thinking about my future, and fuck them still for not caring about it now. I miss my grandparents too, I havn't talked to them in like a month, and my grandma has something wrong with her hip, I just feel like a bad person for not finding the time to even fucking call, and to think, i'm their favorite, i miss them :( I want to go down on sunday and just hang out with them all day I think, yeah i'm definantly going to do that. I don't think i'm going to be a very good host tonight, I feel so godamn lousy, i'm an idiot. |
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| 3:46 pm | Airplanes, Mixed CD's and Cap'n Morgans I feel depressed right now, i'm not really sure why... perhaps it's just another wicked mood swing. I had a fantabulous night with Tara last night... we sat down by the airport and watched the planes taking off and landing, and drinking rum n'coke (well actually pepsi, cuz they didnt have cold coke at t. hill)... we also made an awesome fucking mixed cd that we were driving around like maniacs to and singing off the top of our lungs, god i felt like we were 16 haha. The best part had to be driving down through the quarry at like 60mph hanging out the window, what a fucking rush :) We are the coolest people on the planet, i just thought i should mention that. By the time we got back to my house I was ready to crash... it was the best night i've had in a WHILE. I rarely get in the mood to get drunk and go do random things like that, but thank god haha, i needed it. So yeah, again with the feeling like shit... it was nice to reminisce about the good times last night, but it's now today, and i'm stuck... at work. All week long i've been sentenced to doubles, cuz george is on vacation, it's really not soooo bad though, the first 3 days anyways... but I got back after a pretty annoying day on the road, and it's just non-stop chaos in here, apparently people think i have a fucking clue... hahaha what the fuck do they know? Yesterday i spent like an hour just sitting in the dispatch room getting paid to just hang out and talk to everyone, and tonight looks pretty hectic, so i doubt i'll have time to flirt it up haha... anyways, more work to do... lata! |
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| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005 | |
| 10:09 pm | Out with the old, in with the new. So yeah, typical me... things went sour with Rick a little over a month ago, i was pretty much right about him from the get-go... but talking about my misfortunes with him wasn't really the point of this entry. The last couple of days i've been talking to a guy at work... he's completely different than most guys i set my eyes on, i dunno though... he smiled at me, and i frikken blushed haha. He's a nerd, but in a good way... he likes anime, and star trek, and me... i think :) Even though he's into those things, we have alot in common, i think that's why i'm the most intrigued. We were talking on the phone for awhile earlier, and I know alot more about him now. We both went to HACC for Crim. Justice, our personalities are similar, both sorta striving to make good for other people. I completely understood his reasoning for wanting to do what he wants to do (detective)... I probably surprised him by that, but i think it's important to want a career that makes you feel like you made a difference in somebody's life. The feeling of fulfillment is like no other :) So yeah, this is probably the FIRST guy i've met in awhile worth getting to know more personally, I am soooo just gonna take things a grain at a time here... i'm tired of being dooped by men, and i'm young... no need to rush. I guess all i can say now is that it's actually nice to have a semi-intellectual conversation, hopefully more in the future, he's got the invite to call me anytime, haha, i'm giddy... dammit. In other news, Tara's asleep on my couch, she's been staying here for little while... it's frikken great to have her here. I guess i'm going to spend more time explaining all that another time, i can't stop yawning, dude-man had me on the phone for like almost an hour (it was really my fault hehe) so sleepytime now, and more tomorrow, i'll have plenty of time at work to digress... lata alligator! |
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| Friday, July 1st, 2005 | |
| 7:00 pm | In the office... again. I don't know why I only write in this thing when i'm in the office at work... perhaps it's because as of lately i haven't really had much time to myself. I think me and rick are a thing, but then he confuses me with his "things were different when i could just do whatever i wanted" shit... i dunno, it's annoying because i care alot about him, but i'm afraid to show how much because he doesn't even seem like he wants to be in this so called "thing"... GRRRRR to all men. Longer entry another day, george is back and its friday!! |
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| Thursday, June 16th, 2005 | |
| 5:28 pm | Peanuts are good. Ah, so much to catch up on since last week... it's been a frikken rollercoaster, thats about the only way i can sum it all up. Tara and Mikie were having some probs, so she came to stay with me and she brought Dominic, which was fun... it's a great feeling to be able to help someone, i practically live for it sometimes. I'm pretty sure things will eventually even out for those two, they just need some time with each other, and not the whole mooching neighborhood at their house all the time, i've seperated myself from the 'gang' and now just concentrate on being friends with tara, the rest of them don't matter to me at all. I've still been spending alot of time with Rick, and I like him... sometimes i'm just scared though, it's hard to explain without sounding shallow, but i'm looking for a man for the long haul ya know? Someone who I know will always be there, financially and emotionally... please don't get me wrong, money is not important to me, but stability is... if he had a job he loved doing and only made like $8 an hour, it would work. The problem is we are just at different aspects of our lives, i know what i want to do and i'm doing it, however he seems uncertain... guh, i really do like him, we get along so well... i haven't felt this comfortable with anyone since Derek. I wish sooooo bad that he could find his niche, and realize what is important in life. Maybe he just needs a good influence, or someone to tell him that he matters, and has a great amount of potential (i have, but i don't think he was listening)... Or maybe he was listening, but veered away from the confrontation. He does try to tell me stuff though, but then says nevermind, guh, whats a girl to do? Just open up and be real with me, about 95% of the reason that i don't want to jump into a relationship with him is because he's the one that said he didn't want one... however i feel like we pretty much are, minus the 'commitment'... one day he'll realize how much more important it is to find someone who makes you feel spectacular, rather than just jumping around from friends house to friends house everyday... it gives you something to look forward to after a long day of work, to just know someone will be there waiting for you or looking forward to seeing you too. So i guess thats about all I have to say about that... it's 6:00 and i need to start my paperwork, so i can clear out the drivers coming back... until next time. Current Mood:  contemplative |
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 | |
| 3:31 am | I'm awesome. haha, i am the most extremely tired i could possibly be right now, rick came over last night (he left like 3 hours ago)... he SO likes me, i know it... but it's alright, i'll play along til he realizes it... we had so much fun last night, the most yet, i swear... i felt incredibly comfortable with him, we even had a minor pillow fight, and just layed and talked for awhile in my bed... he told me this is his best "friend" relationship he's had in awhile (your guess is as good as mine, but i'll take that!).. i'm going to sleep forever when i get home from work, i hope i don't have to much freight, he works til 8 tonight, i bet he's going to call again ;) Current Mood:  ecstatic |
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2005 | |
| 7:04 pm | I caught you a delicious bass I'm laying on my heating pad right now, watching napoleon dynamite... what a funny movie. Diane and I went out last friday night and i met a cool guy named Rick, who likes rap music, the color blue and evil clowns hehe, he's cool, and he's been coming around... i'm not sure yet how i feel about it yet, i guess i'm just going to go with the flow, he has 2 kids... not that this is an issue, the idea of a 'relationship' has been brought to the table, and already been dismissed, it's just not something either of us wants right now... i think. i dunno, i still think about him during the day and stuff, it's just nice to feel special once in awhile... when your in a relationship all that disapears and you fight all the time, god i've been treated like so much crap in the past, will i ever be able to be in a relationship where i can trust someone? I am pretty sure i'm already getting myself into trouble with this new guy, i could like him... i know i said that about ricky (last month guy haha)... but ricky was a loser, and i knew it... this guy seems different, respectful, sweet, and he tells me that i smell nice and my hair looks cute in a pony-tail, it's been awhile since i've been complimented, so i'm eating it up... ugh, i'm sitting here kinda hoping he calls and wants to hang out... i don't get 'me' sometimes. Current Mood: drained |
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| Saturday, May 21st, 2005 | |
| 9:43 pm | Good news Ah, what a splendid saturday night, it's just me... alone, and it feels soooooooooooo wonderful hehe. I got up pretty early this morning on a yard sale vendetta, which didn't last long, it's annoying to just drive around looking for signs, so i ended up just going to the market, which was way more fun, and i found a really cool wooden moon/star candle thingy for diane. Last night i played poker with her, mike, and todd... which was awesome, i forgot how cool todd was, we're all going to the beach at the end of june to, i can't frikken wait! I decided a little while ago to give up on trying to change ricky, he's a loser, and now i know... it's just unfortunate it took me a month to figure it out. So i guess i'm just glad things are 'normal' again... relatively speaking, no day is ever completely normal for me... anyone that knows me definantly knows that! Next weekend is jule's birthday so we're gonna bar-b-q on sunday, should be fun, i havn't been over in awhile. oooooh and by the way, the good charlotte concert last weekend was a fucking blast, me and tara made fun of all the wannabee little punk bitches and rocked out in the semi-pit that was happening, joel and benji were so hot hehe...  (Benji-front, Joel-spikey hair) Current Mood: mellow |
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| Thursday, May 12th, 2005 | |
| 8:52 pm | Random Stuff. Going to see a taping of the people's court on june 8th, poker night at diane's next next friday, york tomorrow... i think. I'm really excited for at least 2 of those things... if you couldn't tell haha, oh and good charlotte/simple plan concert on monday... i'm filling up fast so hurry up and get a reservation, muahahaha. Here's a song about how i feel right now, at this current moment: Good Charlotte ~ S.O.S. Is anybody listening? Can you hear me when I call? Shooting signals in the air. Cuz I need somebody's help. I can't make it on my own, so I'm giving up myself. Is anybody listening? Listening. I've been stranded here and I'm miles away. Making signals hoping they save me. I lock myself inside these walls, Cuz out there I'm always wrong. So while I'm sitting here on the eve of my defeat, I write this letter and hope it saves me. Is anybody listening? Can you hear me when I call? Shooting signals in the air Cuz I need somebody's help. I can't make it on my own, so I'm giving up myself. Is anybody listening? Listening. I'm stuck in my own head, and I'm miles away. Would anybody notice if I left this place? Looking at myself tonight, wondering if I'll survive. How in the hell did I get so far away this time? I had high hopes for my life. Back when I was still alive, I used to want to live forever Is anybody listening? Can you hear me when I call? Shooting signals in the air Cuz I need somebody's help. I can't make it on my own, so I'm giving up myself. Is anybody listening? Listening. I'm lost here - I can't make it on my own. I don't want to die alone. I'm so scared, drowning now. Reaching out, holding onto everything I know. Crying out, dying now, need some help. Can you hear me when I call? Shooting signals in the air Cuz I need somebody's help. I can't make it on my own, so I'm giving up myself. Is anybody listening? Listening. Current Mood:  grumpy |
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005 | |
| 9:43 pm | Losing myself. Will i ever know what i want in life? Everything has just been so complicated... I've been having to much 'fun'. I almost quit my pizza hut job (only work 1 day a week now)... and i'm being promoted at DHL, which is good, i guess... I contradict myself quite often, and i don't understand why. Everything is just a big jumble in my head. Short entry since i spent an hour concocting a private entry haha Went out with Tara on friday night, hung out with Ricky later friday night, and went to atlantic city all day saturday.. with no sleep. Nothing extremely eventful worth mentioning other than that, i'm off to bed... lata. Current Mood:  confused |
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| 9:17 pm | Being bad... reallllly bad. God, what's wrong with me? Why am i all of the sudden letting this guy influence me like this... I used to have so much control over myself. I told myself i wasn't going to hook-up with him again... he only comes around because he knows i have the money, and the lack of courage to say no... so i caved. It was my first time, and hopefully my last time, ever... my mind just loses it sometimes, thinking that maybe he will like me, or find himself and realize he's worth more than all these drugs and dirty women... we are just so opposite, but why am i intrigued by him... fuck. I piss myself off so bad sometimes, he had me so angry friday night, he said 'i love you'... not even in a serious manner, but because he knew he pissed me off, and i guess he throws those words around when he pisses women off. Does he think by saying such a thing could make me feel better, especially after having to park far away in fear that he may have seen his girlfriend's sister... i hope he really feels bad, but somehow i doubt that. I want to say i'm not jealous of this 30something women with 3 kids, but i am, in a very small amount. One day he'll figure it out, he's going to want more in life, and someone to share it with that has goals and ambition. I'm not saying i'm his unicorn... i just feel in my heart that i'm here to help him, to make something better of himself, we'll see... he's supposed to call... Current Mood:  stressed |
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| Monday, May 2nd, 2005 | |
| 4:16 pm | assholes Why is it so hard to find someone to treat you nice and just respect you?? Lately i've been running into alot of guys... that try to just use me or are only looking for a piece of ass... i don't get it, i thought i was worth more than that. things are just not going as good today as i thought they were yesterday, if that makes any sense... i dunno, alot has happened since i wrote my entry at tara's yesterday... a lot of soul searching, and things just aren't the way i want them to be. I'm planning on spending the entire evening by myself in my pajama's and just hanging by myself... i've been around to many people lately... i need a break. I definantly do NOT plan on hanging with everyone this weekend, just Tara... if we're still going out by ourselves on friday night... i wanna find somewhere that has karaoke i think hehe. Current Mood:  depressed |
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| Wednesday, April 27th, 2005 | |
| 3:48 pm | Sunday So i guess i forgot to mention that EVERYONE came to visit me on sunday... fucking awesome :) It started initially cuz i asked travis and ricky to do me a favor, so they came up, then i was talking to tara online and she said Mikie wanted to come up to, so the party was here... in a sense lol... it was fun though, for once i was the hostess... can't wait to get back to york... am i insane?? haha |
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| Monday, April 25th, 2005 | |
| 7:56 pm | Dear Friend, Do you know my dreams, and my aspirations? Do you know what I do when your not around... or my favorite kinds of things? It makes me mad when you doubt my abilities, or don't even ask how I am. Don't pretend to care, when you don't... and do not ever use me for your own personal benefit. I may sound selfish, but i'm sorry friend, I don't care anymore. Yours Truly, Me |
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| Sunday, April 24th, 2005 | |
| 11:48 am | Rain Rain Rain. Interesting weekend, i'm still not even really sure what to make of it. On friday night hung out with everyone, but it was strange, people were fighting, and the atmosphere was just sorta "blah" for everyone. Me and Tara spent alot of time making food and no one ate anything, that was disapointing, i was damn excited for my first grilling experience to be a sucess. Maybe it was just the rain, that always makes people cranky... that, and losing your job, so i guess i don't blame people for not being enthusiastic. Ugh, i'm in a strange situation, and i'm not really sure what to do about it... there's this guy that i've been hanging around, and i wish i could like him, because he has the potential to be a really great guy, but i'm afraid to even attempt it, because he has a serious problem and i'm pretty sure that i would never be 'most' important, it's sad :( I wish things were different, but they never are, i pretty much can never win with guys... bastards. On saturday morning i drove over to my grandparents (since i stayed over at tara's i was right up the raod)... me and pap went out to try to get new tires put on my car, but everywhere we went it was like a 4 hour wait, and i was impatient, so i guess i'll go sometime this week, when the demand for tires is a little less lol, however it was fun to hang out with pap, we don't do it enough... last night i worked at pizza hut. I think i had the most deliveries ever.. it was 25 i think, and i made about $80 in tips in 5 hours... i'm a pizza delivering nazi hehe, oh yeah, and i told them i won't be working every saturday from now on, and if thats a problem, "oh well!"... i'll just quit completely... i've got to do something in my life besides work all the time... that job was initially just something to get another asshole guy off my mind, which worked perfectly. So now it's sunday, my lazy day... i may take a drive over and say hi to diane... or maybe just a drive in general, i drive to much. anyways, i'm off to enjoy the day... here's a song for a friend of mine... Good Charlotte "Story of My Life" This is about all of us, this is our song. Me and you. Talk to me, and tell me About you, and I'll try To understand the things you've done, and the things you've been through yeah. These are words I've never heard From anyone but now I've sung But that's ok 'cause I've learned that I like to be alone. [Bridge:] I tried to warn you. I tried to say that I'd walk away. I tried to tell you. But no one listens to me anyway. [Chorus:] Where do you go now, When you're seventeen years old? You've got no one, You've got nothing, You've got nowhere to belong? That's right, that's me. Always guilty. I'm trying to fit in Where I just don't get in but That's ok 'cause we're the same. We've done ok, we've got no name. And that's alright 'cause we've learned This is our song. [Bridge] [Chorus] Where do I go now, Now I'm twenty-one years old? Still got no one, Still got nothing, Still got nowhere to belong? Some hard days, some hard nights, Twenty-one years still nothing's right. Some hard days, some hard nights, Twenty-one years still nothing's right. Nothing's right, nothing's right. Where do I go? This is the story of my life. Current Mood: discontent |
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| Thursday, April 21st, 2005 | |
| 9:34 pm | Chillaxin' Dyed my hair red tonight (as usual, to cover the gray!)... ate a salad and watched "The Simple Life" season 1... happy thursday! tomorrow: kabob's at tara's house, with the gang haha Current Mood: cheerful |
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